Boxed

tanty kick and scream rant tears disappointment, is this depression? I am so tired. I am so tired.
i don't want to be a teacher i hate it, i hate it. it's not the kids its the reality i am supposed to uphold. it's the reality i am supposed to project and assert as though i believe it contains truth. as though i have faith in something, anything.

i present a series of words strung together in what we might name sentences, sometimes i write them on the whiteboard in texta with capitals and commas as thought this were entirely natural. sometimes i refer to a dictionary or a grammar book and i tell them how to write. Correctly. as though i care to do that myself. as though I find no difficulty or problem with the idea of language, with the idea of Truth and Facts and Authority... as though i think any one reality is more reliable, acceptable, important than any other. but it is my role to talk talk talk comand sit jump stand run three laps drop write write write

how can i teach? how can i convey anything but a series of contradictions?

i have always broken rules, i never hand assignments in on time, i get panic attacks when attempting anything that involves assessment ... i don't like being pinned down, categorised, forced... but that is my role as Teacher... but then i can't simply leave because then what will i do? and i like the students i just don't want to assert 'a' reality...